Styrn and I were talking the other night about the amount of attention necessary to avoid severe sub-drop. The last few weekends we’ve been spending two evenings in a row together (and sometimes all day Saturday or Sunday). I think of my desire for attention as a progress bar: after one evening and night together the progress bar is full, and then any additional time is nice, but not necessary. It takes about three days for the progress bar to get down to empty, and so during those three days I am progressively more desperate for attention and discipline play.
The neediness manifests in a few ways. I first make more attempts to gain attention in positive ways, I fantasize more, and then I make attempts to gain attention in negative ways. If the drought goes on for longer than three or four days, I pout and become sullen and start thinking about rebellion. Like I said before, I rarely actually rebel, but thinking about it makes me feel better about being neglected. I’m pretty sure Styrn has noticed this cycle, and makes sure to not react to it. Being obnoxiously in-your-face is my version of having a temper tantrum, and he’s being a good Daddy by not coddling me when I do it.
Grace is an important facet of the submissive woman. A sub should have her emotions well in hand, only letting go when it’s appropriate and required of her. Styrn likes me to react honestly to punishment, unlike other Doms who might prefer their sub to demonstrate self-control (not crying out in pain, counting spankings, etc), so my grace under pressure is self-imposed. The neediness I experience is only manifested in email/text/chat communications, never in person. In fact, because I know that I’m feeling needy, I take steps to disguise the intensity of feeling in person. It’s too revealing and scary for me, let alone other people.
Maybe this disguise is dishonest. Perhaps I should take steps towards getting comfortable with revealing my feelings (all of them, including negative feelings) to Styrn. One of the bloggers I regularly read discussed what a Dom gets out of a scene. His answer was that a Dom creates a space for his sub to be the purest version of herself, not having to hide anything, or be afraid. He is protecting her, providing discipline, and encouraging her to be the best self she can be. By withholding my negative feelings, am I depriving Styrn of something pleasurable?