Archive for struggle


Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , on July 20, 2009 by scarlettbottom

I wonder how other subs feel regarding a sort of dependency on their Doms?

I had a problem a little while ago with differentiating love from submission. Submission creates a lot of strong feelings of loyalty and trust, as well as the contentment of subspace, and that can be confusing if you begin playing before you fall in love. (And of course, sometimes play and love are totally separate.)

I am a person who requires a lot of attention. I’ve lately been dating a lot, for fun, but also to make an attempt to take the pressure off of Styrn to provide me with all of the attention that I need. I haven’t found anyone that I want to have an on-going relationship with, certainly not anyone that I feel that I could share this sometimes scary D/s stuff with, so until then I’m uncomfortably dependent on Styrn for emotional fulfillment as well as physical play.

Should I be troubled by this? Or is this a natural feeling of a sub for a Dom? I guess one of the issues here is being able to be my own person and belong to someone else at the same time. I do tend to get absorbed into other people’s personalities, picking up emotional cues, habits, and personality facets unconsciously, even in platonic or professional situations. It’s not that I feel that I’m not interesting, it’s more like really intense compassion and empathy. This can be really valuable sometimes, but sometimes causes me some emotional stress. I sometimes feel that if I hold myself back from being really open to someone, I’m being rude by not giving them my full attention.

Part of my discomfort is a fear that my emotions, or comparably strong emotions, are not mirrored back to me. Unrequited love is uncomfortable ne c’est pas?