Archive for etiquette

Assumptions

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , on September 17, 2009 by scarlettbottom

I had an experience the other night at the club, that I’d like to share with, well, everyone. I think that everyone inside the kink community and outside of it can benefit from hearing this story.

I was at a club. I am a regular there, and I know quite a number of other regulars, so I was there by myself. Being an attractive 20-something girl, dressed for dancing, I sort of expect/dread being approached by unsavory persons. Generally, I defend myself fairly well, either by slipping away or finding a guy I know to protect me from lascivious eyes, something like that. Unfortunately for me, this night happened to be a special event at the club, so most of the people I knew were busy doing something important about this event, and not around to support and protect me.

I was taking my typical tour around the club, seeing who was there, saying hi to people, when I was approached by a fairly square-looking guy. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Tim. Without pausing in my stroll, I shook his hand, gave him my name, and walked on without a second glance. I thought that was obvious enough, but later, as I was standing alone watching a rope suspension, Tim approached me again.

“I’m going to try this again.” [Never a good second line.]
“Uh huh…”
“I’m a submissive male.”
“Ah, sorry, I’m a sub, and I never top.” [Here I expected him to go away, since we’re obviously mismatched and he should go find a Domme.]
“Oh, well, the scene here is really cool.”
“Uh huh.”

Etc, ad nauseam. Here’s the lesson: Asking people to play is fine. In fact, encouraged. But if you ask, you have to be prepared to hear “no.” And if you do hear it, or even detect any hesitation at all, you must cease and desist, and go away. You can be friendly about it. You don’t need to slink away with your tail between your legs, but you must accept rejection gracefully.

I wrote about this scenario in my personal journal. A friend of mine, who is a Domme, commented that she gets this all the time. And it isn’t very submissive to say “you must dominate me now!” That’s true for sure. Another case against this I believe I heard on Masocast, is: why would a Dom waste their time on a self-proclaimed “worthless” person? I’m calling this groveling.

My personal opinion is that a submissive person, who does not belong to the Dom in question should be somewhat aloof. S/he should offer his/her service selectively, and not to any handy Dom. S/he should never be an imposition. An irritating sub is not going to be rewarded with attention.

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