Archive for emotional response

Dependency

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , on July 20, 2009 by scarlettbottom

I wonder how other subs feel regarding a sort of dependency on their Doms?

I had a problem a little while ago with differentiating love from submission. Submission creates a lot of strong feelings of loyalty and trust, as well as the contentment of subspace, and that can be confusing if you begin playing before you fall in love. (And of course, sometimes play and love are totally separate.)

I am a person who requires a lot of attention. I’ve lately been dating a lot, for fun, but also to make an attempt to take the pressure off of Styrn to provide me with all of the attention that I need. I haven’t found anyone that I want to have an on-going relationship with, certainly not anyone that I feel that I could share this sometimes scary D/s stuff with, so until then I’m uncomfortably dependent on Styrn for emotional fulfillment as well as physical play.

Should I be troubled by this? Or is this a natural feeling of a sub for a Dom? I guess one of the issues here is being able to be my own person and belong to someone else at the same time. I do tend to get absorbed into other people’s personalities, picking up emotional cues, habits, and personality facets unconsciously, even in platonic or professional situations. It’s not that I feel that I’m not interesting, it’s more like really intense compassion and empathy. This can be really valuable sometimes, but sometimes causes me some emotional stress. I sometimes feel that if I hold myself back from being really open to someone, I’m being rude by not giving them my full attention.

Part of my discomfort is a fear that my emotions, or comparably strong emotions, are not mirrored back to me. Unrequited love is uncomfortable ne c’est pas?

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Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , , on July 16, 2009 by scarlettbottom

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Nostalgia

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , , on July 6, 2009 by scarlettbottom

I’m feeling a little nostalgic today. I think about past lovers frequently. The first person to explore what I consider true bdsm with my was my first serious boyfriend. I was very inexperienced, sexually, but I’ve always been attracted to daddy play and he figured that out very quickly.┬áHe was also pretty good at talking dirty. I’ve never been very good at that, unfortunately.

My favorite material was something like “Does Baby like that? Daddy’s fingers in Baby’s pussy?” and patronizing babytalk, “Baby is such a spoiled little girl” “Baby likes to suck Daddy’s cock, look how wet it makes her.” He really knew how to use that kind of thing to take me right up to the edge. The best part of bdsm is the psychological aspect, and when you combine that with the paternal element, it comes across as very caring and loving, even as I’m being ripped apart by a particularly rough finger fucking.

And then there’s curling up in Daddy’s lap and having a really good, cathartic cry. Daddy has such strong arms and feels like a safe place. He used to be able to make me cry, like a psychological/emotional release instead of a physical orgasm. That was always very intense and made me feel so vulnerable. The first couple times I was embarrassed about it, but I came to understand that that was more than what he was looking for. That experience probably did more than anything else to cement our relationship.

This was not a “typical” bdsm relationship. Our play never left the bed (except for once when Baby got a spanking in the kitchen, over a stool), and it was limited to dirty talk and the occasional heat-of-the-moment spanking. I don’t think I even knew what it was.