Archive for dominance

Ropecast: Ava’s advice for how to find a Dom

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , , on July 22, 2009 by scarlettbottom

This week’s Ropecast (by Graydancer) was about how to find and play with quality Doms. Ava Amnesia was interviewed, because she is a very slutty bottom and has played with a huge number of well-known tops. She’s also a pro sub, which I find pretty fascinating. How does Miss Ava do it?

Well, she had a couple of suggestions. The first is: be friends with lots of Doms. Once you have a large group of dominant friends that you trust, you can ask them for recommendations (and play with them too!). The second is: if you see a Dom that you think you’d like to play with, perhaps someone giving a demonstration, or someone known for some technique in particular, approach them with a question about their skill. This gives you an opening for a conversation, something they *love* to talk about, you’ll learn something, and maybe they’ll demonstrate on you. *wink* The third suggestion is: know what you need from your Dom. She made a list of five things:

1. Confidence
2. Competency
3. Willingness to laugh
4. Willingness to make mistakes
5. Communication

There are, of course, other things that are good to have in a Dom, but these five are the core things- you just can’t play without these five things. Communication and confidence are pretty clear, right? A willingness to laugh and make mistakes are related to confidence. If you mess up in a scene, it’s okay. If you mess up and it shakes your confidence and you insist on ending the scene, that makes it pretty unlikely that your bottom is going to want to play with you again. An interrupted scene is one thing. An aborted scene because of embarrassment is another. Competency is just being sure of what you know. When playing with a sub for the first time, don’t try new stuff on a new sub. Do what you know, what you’re sure of and confident about. Don’t worry so much about impressing your new sub with fancy knots or expensive toys you’ve never used before. Test those things out with subs who know you’re trying new things and who understand and appreciate that you’re learning new skills.

How to Attract the Attention of a Dominant Male

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , , , , on July 5, 2009 by scarlettbottom

Social dominance is a fascinating topic. I wrote in my personal journal that I really only like to date alpha males and I got a question: what is the definition of “alpha male,” to my mind?

An alpha male is a socially dominant male, who displays the confidence and natural leadership ability associated with such a position. “Alpha” is a condition that can be natural or learned, but natural dominants are generally more successful because they have a sense of entitlement. Yes, of course they should make a lot of money. They deserve it. Yes, they should have the prettiest trophy wife. They deserve it. Yes, they should drive the conversation; they’re the only one qualified. Yes, they should pick up the check; they’re only being gracious to their many loyal followers.

It’s not enough to be aggressive and confident. One cannot come off as cocky, it has to look natural. Charismatic, not bossy. And one must make one’s friends feel like they’re basking in one’s limelight. Sort of like royalty. The courtiers (aka submissives) of Louis XIV didn’t feel put upon. They were ecstatic to be in the presence of one so majestic.

Like I mentioned, socially dominant males can be made, too. These are non-dominant males, who, through a stroke of genius or luck, have either acquired the trappings of dominance (a nice car, a pretty girl, a high-paying job), have stumbled into a social group that has no dominant, or a group that has somehow lost their dominant (usually through a power struggle).

Now it’s a little different for a socially dominant female. Socially dominant females gather their own social subs also, but they also gather dominant males. They do this by being attractive as a trophy (being pretty, or equally high-status) or by being the most interesting item around (being funny, or stylish, or super intelligent). As Styrn often points out to me, I lack a lot of the “typical” female behavior of standing around looking pretty and hoping for the time of day.

I am a socially dominant female.

The other night I went to a bondage/dance club. It’s a regular club here in the city. I was watching the bondage pit; there wasn’t much going on initially, but as I watched for a while, it started to fill up and get more interesting. Finally, I got up the nerve to try to get the fellow’s attention who was running everything. He’s a prime example of a dominant.

How was I going to manage getting his attention? He was obviously so busy. Without a plan, I stood in the entrance to the pit. Some serious drama was going to be necessary to stand out from the crowd of admirers. He approached the place where I was standing, totally unaware of my presence. He glanced at me- here’s my chance- and I dropped to my knees. My full skirt billowed out around me. (Got him!) He held out his hand to me; I placed my hand in his without rising. “What is your name?”

“Scarlett.” (A whisper from the onlookers: *gasp* “Like Scarlett O’Hara!”)

A feminine blush. “I wondered if you’d dom me?” Look down, look up.

“I’d love to, but I don’t have time right now. Are you going to the club on Friday?” He lifts me to my feet.

He wrote me a free pass with his phone number and email.

Putting his arm around my waist, he asked me about what I’d like, what sort of play I’m interested in. “I’d love to see you Friday. if I don’t have time, I’ll definitely make sure you’re taken care of. I’ve seen a lot of inexperienced girls get hurt, and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen to you.” He hands me the pass with a run-along motion. This guy is a smooth talker. He knows all the right moves.