Archive for control

Barriers

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , on July 17, 2009 by scarlettbottom

Lately Styrn has been doing some things to me that I wasn’t initially comfortable with but I’ve grown into.

Like many submissive women, I’m a control freak in my non-sexual life. I have strong feelings about what kind of interactions are acceptable and what feelings are acceptable for public consumption. I don’t like being touched by strangers. I don’t like to be picked up. I don’t like to be touched by men I’m dating casually; I certainly don’t kiss someone until I feel they’re completely trustworthy. I don’t like friends to put their arm around my shoulders. Etc. The only people who are allowed to touch me are friends and (ex)lovers that I’ve known for at very long time, or people I’m having sexual relationships with currently.

Styrn is working (maybe unconsciously) at breaking down some barriers. He’s been picking me up more often, just to move me to a different position, or across a room. I used to be very afraid and cling onto him very tightly when he did this, not trusting that he wouldn’t drop me. I’m finding that I’m much more relaxed about it now, with him, in an appropriate situation, like at home, or when I’m sleepy. I’m beginning to like it so much that I’m thinking of losing some weight so that it can happen more easily.

He also touches my face. I think most people have an aversion to having their face touched, except in sexual situations, but I’ve lately been allowing Styrn to touch my neck and face when he wants to. This is usually in a cuddly situation, or a social grooming thing (brushing a bit of stray makeup off for example), but I’m starting to enjoy it more and more. My favorite activity of this sort is the under-the-chin stroking. Like petting a cat. Makes me feel taken care of.

It helps that I trust him so completely. Had he been anyone else, I would never allow him to take the liberties he does.

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Safeword

Posted in Nonfiction with tags , , on July 15, 2009 by scarlettbottom

I was listening to my favorite NPR podcast today. The guest being interviewed mentioned that he thinks that reading a novel is a submissive activity. He said that when you read a novel, you surrender to it. You have no control of the plot. Your only option is to say your safeword and stop reading.

A scene is like that for a well-behaved sub. She has no control of the plot, she can only say yes or no. But if she says no, it’s the ultimate no. Nothing else will follow. Thus the hesitancy to use a safeword. I’ve never felt that I needed to use a safeword, but I think I would be fairly reluctant to use it. I think there’s a tendency to think “Just a little bit longer, I can do this” and using a safeword seems like a bit of a cop-out.

However, the lack of control is just what makes a scene interesting. There’s a method of green-yellow-red that gives the sub more control, but the the whole point of scene-ing is that the sub doesn’t have any control over what will happen next and she’s at the mercy of the Dom, whose job it is to decide how far he wants to go and what he wants his sub to feel.

That’s part of the psychological play of D/s- the Dom controls the sub’s feelings as well as her body. I feel that receiving a spanking or another punishment is a very comforting thing. It’s an assurance that Daddy has the situation well in hand. It feels like nothing bad could ever happen at that moment, because Daddy knows what’s best and would never do anything to *really* hurt me. He’s also protecting me from anyone else who might want to hurt me. If I use my safeword, that protection and safe feeling will be over and then I’m on my own.